And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
