I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
