I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
