Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
