STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
