____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i just sent this text using only my big toe
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize