Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
