You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
