and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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