the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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