Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
