she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
