The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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