Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
