I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
