he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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