just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
