I faked an abortion last night.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize