I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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