White coat. Heels.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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