So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
