is your mom at the bar?
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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