this just has baby written all over it
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
