i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
