I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I deserve this hangover.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize