At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
