She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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