Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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