Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
