On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
