the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
