God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
