Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
