I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
