Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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