i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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