Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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