i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
