It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
