I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
