Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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