I'm jealous of your bromance
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
