I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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