you're like a bully in the Christmas story
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
