Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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