I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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