just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
