Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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