He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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