Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
