she was so not down for the gang bang
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I wear drunk well.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize