I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Randomize