Ambien. No doubt about it.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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