Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
