Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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