I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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