dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize