Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
