There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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