We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
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