I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
